How To Navigate Honoring Your Parents As An Adult

Ross Sawyers: [00:00:00] We began our time with our parents with their babies up here, and what a beautiful time of just commitment for them. We talked about a few weeks ago respecting God's sacred name, and one of the ways we do that is to genuinely come and say we desire for these children to know God, to follow him, to honor him, and to bring glory to him. And so what a privilege for us to have that space to say to the parents we're with you in this journey.

Ross Sawyers: [00:00:33] If you turn your Bibles to Exodus chapter 20, we're going to be in one verse this morning, as a spot to anchor, and then we'll spend a little bit of time in some other places. We're in Exodus chapter 20. verse 12, and we're going to be thinking about honoring our father and our mother. And it couldn't be more appropriate for the way we began our time this morning with the children being dedicated. I want to ask us a question, and the question is this, to think about throughout this conversation around Exodus 20:12, are we valuing our parents? Now our minds might have just run to, I'm so excited for this command. I needed my kids to hear this, I have them in here for this today, and I can't wait to hear what you have to say, this is going to be a great Sunday for our family as our children are encouraged to honor our parents. But I've got a different thing for you today, this command was for adults. And the question I'm asking is not how we can get our kids to honor us, although we'll talk about a few of those things, and this certainly applies across the board. But this is a more direct question for you and for me, and the question I would ask is, are you valuing your mother and father, your parents? You, not are you hoping your kids will honor you, but are you honoring and valuing yours?

Ross Sawyers: [00:02:15] Now, I know this can be a challenging conversation depending on what the relationship has been or currently is with our parents. You might be saying, you know, my parents don't live anymore, how am I supposed to value them? Both of my parents have passed on, and yet the command is still the same for me as it is if you have living parents, and it is in their death to honor my father and my mother. So the question is for all of us, I want to be sensitive, we just have a few minutes. I can only do so much in the amount of time that we have. I don't want to diminish today the hurt and the pain that many parents have caused, in abuse, or in a whole variety of ways, emotionally, physically, spiritually, or sexually, I completely understand that today, and yet this command is still for all of us to work through that. And what I would say to you today, as I've done myself, over time for a variety of issues, not necessarily my parents, but a number of other issues, I would encourage you to find a counselor, a mentor, a ring of people to work through where those things are really hard and difficult so that we can live out the way God has called us to live.

Ross Sawyers: [00:03:39] And so I just want us to think through then, how do we actually live out this command that God has given us? We're talking about timeless truths in a shifting culture. And we could argue that our culture has already made the shift to things that are no longer rock solid according to the way God has designed them, but they're more the way humanity today has said they want to do things. But I would also say we're still shifting, and how do we maintain our footing in a world that is continually shifting around us, and it shifts by the day, in its thinking? So are there some things we can hang on to in God himself that he's given us that will enable us to stand firm and to not wobble with everything else going on around us?

Ross Sawyers: [00:04:29] And God has done just that in the Ten Commandments. He's given us these so that we might flourish, that we might be free no matter what our context is, we can walk rock solid with a deep peace and a deep joy in him, and he's laid out for us the way for us to flourish. The first four commands which we've already spent some time on, and if you haven't listened to those messages, I would cheer you on to do so, but those are around God himself that our ultimate devotion is to God, and to God only. And then the second six, what flows from that is how we relate to each other. The first command is the foundational command that our ultimate devotion is to God. Only. The fifth command is a bridge command, as someone wrote, into those in the ways that we love each other. And it's interesting that the first command is about honoring and loving God, and the fifth command is about honoring our father and mother. God has a beautiful design for the family, and so goes the honoring of mother and father, and so goes the rest of society.

Ross Sawyers: [00:05:42] So the fifth command, we've been asking you to do a discovery Bible study and asking different questions in regard to it, and I'd like to do that again today to guide us through more of a Bible study kind of way that you could use these same ideas for any part of scripture, with the Holy Spirit of God as your teacher. So the question, again, I'm asking today in light of this command, is are you, not anybody around you, not what you're hopeful for, for your kids, not what you're hopeful for from your own parents, but are you valuing and honoring your parents? And then some would say in this command, as we do that, it actually expands to are we valuing other people that are older and in authority? This command could have that expansion to it as well.

Ross Sawyers: [00:06:38] So what does it say? Exodus chapter 20, verse 12, “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the LORD your God gives you." The word honor means to wait, it means to prize, and it means to value. It could mean with it to admire, to give attention to, but I think, a couple of ways that I'll lean into is it is to give weight to, and it is to value something, so to honor is to value. And in this particular command, the fifth command is to honor your father and your mother. And again, I believe what God is doing here is affirming what he designed in Genesis chapters one and two, in the perfection of creation, and he designed male and female in the image of God. He designed marriage between a man and a woman in Genesis 1 and 2.

Ross Sawyers: [00:07:39] And one thing I just want to ask us if we can do today, I think we're in an interesting, day, any day would be interesting anytime anyone lives. But I was talking to a guy this week, and he said this, he said, my dad, we were talking about emotions and kind of how that is such a big part of the way we talk today. And he said, you know when I was growing up, my dad, as my brother and I were talking and he said, yeah, if we came home and talked about our emotions, our dad was going to take us out by the shed and he was going to explain that to us real quick, and we would be done with that, and we'd be moving on. I don't think that's the healthiest way to do it, but is it healthy that we've gone so soft that everything is about how we feel? And so what I want to do here is say, can we go somewhere, swing to the middle maybe? Maybe we don't have to go to the woodshed, and maybe we don't have to feel everything either, maybe there's somewhere here we can just look at what God says and say if God says this, I'm in. He knows the design. And I get it might be hard sometimes and it doesn't play out in the way I would have loved it to play out in all my relationships, but nobody's does. So can we just look and say, what does God say? Well, God says in Genesis 1 and 2, he just lays out a beautiful design of a mother and a father. And then he comes back when he rescues his people from slavery and he says, hey, honor your mother and your father, this is a good design, this is the way was intended, to give weight to a mother and a father.

Ross Sawyers: [00:09:16] And then we find that this is the only command with a promise. At the end of the verse, the second part of the verse, "That your days may be prolonged in the land which the LORD your God gives you." And there are two ways people interpret this promise. One would be it's for Israel as a whole, that as a culture, they are to honor their fathers and their mothers, and if they do that, the promise is they will be in the land and they will flourish and prosper in the land. That's the promise he'd given them at the outset, in Genesis chapter 12. and maybe he's just reiterating that here. It could also be a personal promise, that if you honor your father and your mother, then you're going to flourish, and you'll have life.

Ross Sawyers: [00:10:03] Now there's the opposite of this in Exodus 21, verses 15 and 17, and if you choose to violate this command, he says to his people, “He who strikes his father or his mother shall surely be put to death." in verse 15. And in verse 17, "He who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death." There were harsh consequences for the disobedience of this command. God values the family as he designed it, and he intends for it to be honored. And when we honor it, there is favor and blessing and life in that honoring. So are we, are you, am I honoring and valuing our parents? In this command, he does not stipulate the kind of parent. So this could be, some have really easy parents to honor. You just listen to this, and you think, I am so fired up about this one because I just so love my mom and dad, this is just a breeze. I'm excited about this one, no repentance for me today, life is rolling on this one. For others, you look at it and say, you know what, there are personality conflicts between me and my mom or dad, and it made it hard, it made it hard to honor them. It makes it hard to honor them today. As I mentioned, there are abusive kinds of relationships, there are abandoned relations, there's so much hard that's in there. And then we're to honor aging parents, that probably is what is in mind here, to honor our aging parents. And then, single parents, or deceased parents, or believing parents, unbelieving parents, or adoptive parents, there's not a disclaimer on only honor these kinds of parents. It's honor your father and your mother. So are we doing that?

Ross Sawyers: [00:12:27] We want to ask the question, what does this say about God? And to me, when I look at this, it just says to me that God is a Father, just like he's designed the family. It says to me God has a good and beautiful design, as I've already described. It says to me that God desires for us to have life and to flourish, and this is one of those ways that we can do that. What does it say about us? That'd be a third question we'd ask in this Bible study method.

Ross Sawyers: [00:12:58] And to me, there are all kinds of things we can find, all kinds of biblical examples we can find. There are, adult children, and younger children, that's so honor their father and their mother. In Genesis 22, Abraham was told by God it was a test for him that he was to take Isaac and sacrifice his son. That would be so odd to our ears today, and that's why it's so important that we understand all of Scripture, that it was a test in Genesis 22, and in Hebrews 11, we're told that Abraham believed that God was going to do something miraculous in this. He believed God, and he trusted God. And Isaac, his son, followed him willingly and he trusted his dad, and then God came through.

Ross Sawyers: [00:13:48] And there are others that we find in Scripture that did not honor their parents in First Samuel 2, verse 12, Eli, "The sons of Eli were worthless men; they did not know the LORD." Eli was the priest in the day, that would be tough to be the guy who's leading people spiritually, and then his two sons, Hophni and Phinehas, were off the rails. And what we find later in chapter 2, what they were doing, when people would show up at the tent of meeting...So let's just call it, we had people serving out here in our church, and his two sons were, they were sleeping with all the women that were at the tent of meeting, that's what his sons were doing. And God said you know what, he would desire them to be dead rather than to dishonor what they were doing. And in chapter 4 of First Samuel, we see that happen to his two sons. See, God doesn't take lightly when we devalue people.

Ross Sawyers: [00:14:53] Then we also see examples like Jonathan and his father Saul. Saul wouldn't have been an easy parent to follow, and Saul was after Jonathan's best friend. So how does Jonathan honor a dad who's difficult, and at the same time, value his friendship? And I think he was threading that needle really nicely, he still honored his dad, he didn't go with him on the things that were wrong that his dad was doing, and he looked for ways to value and protect his friend. Which I'll note it again in a bit, but we honor our parents and follow them to the point that we're asked to be disobedient to God. And at that point, we don't follow what the parent says, we follow what God says. God is first, ultimate devotion to Him, and then this relationship underneath it.

Ross Sawyers: [00:15:50] Solomon his dad, David, I think that wouldn't have been a bad gig. David took care of Solomon, he had everything ready to go for him. He would be the king that would follow his dad, his dad made all the preparations for him, for what he needed when he began as a king. And then David had some difficult relationships with his other sons. But whenever we find struggles and challenges where we can always go and understand what's happened, is that we have a sin nature, and in that sin nature, it rises up in us and will devalue someone rather than valuing that someone, that will be because we are in the flesh, in that given moment is the way the Bible speaks of it.

Ross Sawyers: [00:16:31] So there are ways that we can see where children and adult children honored and valued their parents, so that says that about us, and there are times that it does not happen. We know that as well. But what about you and me? Or if you're online today, are you valuing your parents? Well, then we'd ask the question, what's this say about Jesus? How did Jesus treat his parents? We go to him as our model, and as our Savior, and as our Lord, and as God himself for how we are to do this. In Luke chapter 2, verse 51, this was after a little bit of a challenging moment at the temple, "He went down with them and came to Nazareth." in verse 51, "And he continued in subjection to them." Jesus continued in subjection to his parents, he was 12 at this time, and his mother treasured all these things in her heart. So what does it say about Jesus? Jesus walked in obedience to his parents, he was in subjection to them. in the temple earlier in chapter 2, we see he was being obedient to his father first and foremost, but then he followed in subjection to his parents. And what happens when a child yields to and follows the mom and dad? The mom treasures that. So Jesus's mom was able to treasure what was happening with her son.

Ross Sawyers: [00:18:01] In Mark chapter 7, Jesus is now, grown, and he's challenging something that's happening in the culture or in the religious people. And he says to them, in verse 9 of Mark 7, “You are experts at setting aside the commandment of God in order to keep your tradition." And by the way, sometimes we can become experts at setting aside those things that God says, and we become really good at not doing what it is that he's invited us into and actually commanded for us, and they were following their tradition. “For Moses said, ‘HONOR YOUR FATHER AND YOUR MOTHER." So Jesus is restating this command, this command is in play, "And, ‘HE WHO SPEAKS EVIL OF FATHER OR MOTHER, IS TO BE PUT TO DEATH’; 11but you say, ‘If a man says to his father or his mother, whatever I have that would help you is Corban (that is to say, given to God),’ 12you no longer permit him to do anything for his father or his mother; 13thus invalidating the word of God by your tradition which you have handed down; and you do many things such as that.” This could easily be a part of Scripture that we read, and we say, I have no idea what that just meant. What is Corban? It was something they put in play to say when they were younger, that I'm dedicating all of my resources to God. What that means is I have nothing to help and support my aging parents. It was a way to get out of helping their parents, but they did it in God's name. That would violate the third command, by the way, which will then violate the first command. We want to make sure that we're not trying to find ways to get out of caring for and honoring aging parents.

Ross Sawyers: [00:20:01] In John chapter 19, verses 25 and 27, I think this is one of the most tender moments in Scripture. Jesus is hanging on a cross, and this is what he says about his mother, "But standing by the cross of Jesus were His mother, and His mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. 26When Jesus then saw His mother, and the disciple whom He loved standing nearby, He said to His mother, “Woman, behold, your son!” 27Then He said to the disciple, “Behold, your mother!” From that hour the disciple took her into his own household." He is using the most agonizing moment of his life, and he was making sure that his mother was taken care of when he was gone. We see something about how to honor our parents when we see Jesus.

Ross Sawyers: [00:21:01] But we might get a little perplexed by Jesus because he talks here about honoring, but in Luke chapter 14, verse 26, he says something entirely different. He says, “If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple." So on one hand, he's saying, honor your father and your mother, and on the other hand, he's saying, hate your father and your mother. This is hyperbole here, and really what he's doing is reiterating the order of the Ten Commandments, because it is to honor God in ultimate devotion to him first, then it's to honor your parents. And you'll actually be able to honor and love them when your devotion is first and foremost to God, he gives us the ability to love in a way we can't otherwise. Jesus is saying the same thing, every other relationship is not the priority relationship, Jesus is the priority relationship, that's it. Your devotion, Jesus says, is to me, which will give honor to the Father, and then what we find is when we love and follow Jesus, we're actually to love others the way God intends them to be loved.

Ross Sawyers: [00:22:20] And then in Matthew 12:49-50, Jesus redefines the family. He says, "Whoever does the will of God, that's my mother and my brother." So we have a biological family or an adoptive family, and we have a spiritual family where God is our Father to be honored and glorified above all. How do we become a part of that family? Through Jesus Christ, crucified and risen, faith in Christ and Christ alone. The good news is, is on the cross Jesus took all of our sin, included in that is every time we have devalued, not prized, and dishonored our mom and our dad and every other elder and authority that God has placed. Jesus took all that on himself, and instead, he gave us his righteousness as he removed that off of us, so that the perfect obedience of Christ is now seen in us in our union with him. That is mind-blowing what he did for us. So knowing Jesus, then we can actually be the kind of people to honor and love our parents. So are you, and am I valuing our parents?

Ross Sawyers: [00:23:51] I want to throw out a few thoughts here that would be the fifth question we'd ask in this kind of Bible study. And it's, what do we do with this? You say, okay, I'm going to honor them. And part of you are thinking, really, you've said it, but you still don't understand what I'm in. And you're right, I don't, but I understand what God says though. And I understand we can walk in community together, that we can walk with mentors together, that we can walk in counseling together so that we can be about what God wants us to be about. So we actually thrive in the hard and in the difficult and enjoy even more, that which is enjoyable. So here are some thoughts for you, and maybe they strike you. This isn't an exhaustive list, nor is it a, you have to do this. Probably some of them we do actually, but you'll catch what those are because they're what God says to do. Actually, all of this is now think about it, it's the practicality of what this would look like for you.

Ross Sawyers: [00:24:55] So the first thing I would say is hang out in Proverbs. That is a parent-child book. It is a manual for practical parenting and being a child. and the way I would look at Proverbs, I would go at it and say, I'm just going to read for the ways I'm to honor my parents. I'm going to ignore all the rest of it, I'm just looking for what it says about ways to honor my mom and my dad. That would be a way to consider honoring parents and then walk in obedience to it.

Ross Sawyers: [00:25:36] The second thing I would suggest is to give grace. I've shared this a few times over the years. Some of the times some things have just so stuck with me, I'd be remiss not to share it. Plus we're not static, we are dynamic in the way that some of you are new and kind of moving in and out. But a friend of mine, Buddy Burks, I was doing student ministry at the time, and we had what we call our Live weekend here, it was a different name then, and we did one on family. I've never forgotten this, Buddy stood up. We were doing a big group thing, we probably had a couple of hundred students, and Buddy had a daughter who was 16 years old at the time in the youth group. And he stands up and we've done this whole thing on family, and he said, let me let me cheer you on here. He said today is the first day that I'm a parent of a 16-year-old girl. Does that make sense? To. Today is the first time I've ever done this. I've never parented my daughter on this day as a 16-year-old, this will be new for me today. You can go age by age, you can go week by week, but it will be new for a parent each day. But he said, could you just give us some grace as parents, and give us a break, I'm trying to figure this out as much as you're trying to figure out how to be a child of mine. And I just think there's something about giving people a break. One way we can give a break is to think about our own sin. And there are things about my dad, for example, that were broken, that impacted me. But you know what? There are things about me that are broken that have impacted my boys. Just different brokenness that we brought to the table. And when I think like that, I can give a break. Because I've been given a break way more than I ever deserve. But could we just give grace? And again, I'm not diminishing the hurt and the pain. I'm just saying that God's a God of grace that he's extended it to us, can we turn around and do the same?

Ross Sawyers: [00:28:20] Which would lead to my next one, which is to forgive. The reason we forgive is not because another person deserves it. We forgive because we have first been forgiven by Christ himself, that's our motivation to forgive. If I wait until I think somebody deserved it, or if somebody waited till they thought I deserved it, I would never have been forgiven, and you and I would never have been forgiven by God himself. There will not be a day when we're worthy enough to deserve it. And we have to recognize that forgiveness costs, it costs the person who's forgiving, it cost Jesus his life to take our sins on himself so that we might receive freedom in release, and it will cost you to forgive someone else. Now you can cast that burden on the Lord, that's the advantage we have. But it will cost you, somebody pays the price for sin. Christ ultimately does, but we're going to pay when we choose to forgive and release and let go, we forgive because we've been forgiven. Again, I would cheer you on, on this, to find a counselor, a mentor, to work through because this can be a difficult and long process. But God, there's nothing too difficult for him, and he's able. Part of the question will be, am I willing to abide in him? The song that we sang. For any of the things I'm talking about, the abiding piece is crucial, so that I actually know when I need to forgive, and I know how to give grace because it's coming out of my remaining and hanging out with Jesus. So while we talk about that so much, that has a crucial impact on any and everything that we do, that we know how Jesus is leading us.

Ross Sawyers: [00:30:29] The next thing I would say is to support. In First Timothy 5, 3, and 8, we're to take care of the widow, and we're to take care of our household. And it says the person who doesn't take care of their household is worse than an unbeliever. And so whether it's a single parent that can be lonely and that can be difficult, that there's support for the single parent, that there's support for the aging parent. And these will be different seasons, by the way, for everybody, this will look different for most of us. But what, in this season of time, does it look like to honor a mom or a dad who's aging, who has poor health, or whatever it might be? How do we support and encourage them? And then we pray, you know, we pray diligently for them.

Ross Sawyers: [00:31:16] Another way that we can think about honoring parents is to encourage them, and that can be through text messages, through voicemails, through cards, through audio, text, through time. If it's an unbelieving parent, one of the best ways we can honor them is to share the Gospel with them. And if it's a believing parent, how can we cheer them on to finish the race strong, no matter what season of time it is? When's the last time that you cheered on your mom or dad in their relationship with Jesus and said, hey Mom, Dad, I am cheering you on for you to finish strong, for you to go through that finish line, and that you bust through that finish line when it's time to go home with Jesus. We can encourage and cheer on in faith. I read this, this is an interesting way to think about honoring and encouraging. If you have parents that have, this is the way they describe it, been evil towards you, one of the ways to honor them is to call out the evil and to call them to repentance, and then there might need to be some kind of boundaries that are set if there's not, but that can actually be honoring them in the relationship. There are a number of ways to think about how we honor.

Ross Sawyers: [00:32:37] How do we speak well of the deceased and encourage them? I was convicted listening to a reading, I've mentioned it every week, so I'm going to keep my streak going. I think that happens on social media, you get streaks, and so I just want to keep it up. So Jen Wilkin, in her book on the Ten Commandments, said, "Are we speaking well of our parents to our own children, and not passing on unnecessary baggage that we received from our parents to our kids so that they can see their grandparents in a good light and the things that are good?

Ross Sawyers: [00:33:12] There are all kinds of ways to encourage. Obedience would be another way that we encourage. Again, we're obedient to the point where we're asked to be disobedient. At that point, we bail out, and we're obedient to the Lord. And then I threw this one in here, to reciprocate. It would make it easier for everybody, for those who are parents, if we're the kind of parent that's worth honoring, like, we could actually make it easier on our kids to honor us. Oftentimes, we've trained our kids to be dishonorable. There's a way we can train that we're training them to not be respectful and valuing. But can we be the kind of people who are following Jesus? As a college student said the other day, he realized when he got to college that not every dad actually apologizes to their kids. He said I'm talking to my buddies and I'm starting to figure out, you know, my dad would apologize all the time if he did something that was on his side that was wrong. He said I started to realize that's not normal. Well, that should be normal, that's the kind of thing you can honor when people have the humility to admit when they're wrong. What are those things we can do actually be worth honoring? Even if we're not, the command is still to do so.

Ross Sawyers: [00:34:39] And then I would say this about love. First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4 through 8, this would be a great exercise to walk through this piece by piece and say, love is patient. Am I patient towards my parents? Love is kind. Am I kind towards them? Love is not jealous. Am I jealous or envious of them? Love does not brag, it's not arrogant. Do I treat them with humility? Love does not take into account a wrong suffered. Am I holding things against them? Love is not rude. Am I rude to them? It's a great way to see that, that would be just one place you could easily hang out and know if we're honoring our parents, motivated by love or not.

Ross Sawyers: [00:35:26] So what do we do with this? Those are some things we do, and then we pass it on. And how do we pass it on to other people? One thing I want to pass on to you is a tool that we have on our website, that I was playing around with yesterday. It's fascinating, it's called Got Questions? Ask me. You probably can't see it here; do we have the slide where it's on the side? There's the button, feel free to snap a shot of that, I just got engulfed. If you do that, it'll get you right where I want you to go. that's a barcode, not a maze. But on the home page of our website, it says, got questions? And when you tap on it, we're tied into an AI biblical chat, and it's amazing. You can go ask whatever biblical question you want to ask, practical questions, theological questions, hard questions, and play around with it, it is just a great tool for when you get stuck, and you don't know what something means or doesn't mean.

Ross Sawyers: [00:36:28] And then this is what I'm going to do this week, I'm going to hold myself accountable to you, and I would encourage you to ask God, are there things I need to repent of with my parents, or things I can be affirmed in? And am I going to do anything with this? And I'm going to write a letter this week to my two sons and to my daughter-in-law, and I am just going to prize and value my mom and dad in that letter. And I'm going to give that letter to them, so they'll know, these are all the good things about my mom and my dad, and I want you to know these things and remember these things. What about you? Are you valuing your mom?

Ross Sawyers: [00:37:17] Father, thank you for the time to be in your word. We're always grateful. I've been so encouraged this morning and both services with your word, and with the worship, and prayers. And, God, I pray today that we would be a people that are known for honoring our parents, that we're known for honoring the elderly, that we're known for valuing authority. And, God, I pray that just through that way of loving, that people would be drawn to you. God. So, Father, I pray you'll work through the hurts and the pains that we have. I pray, God, that you'll help us to walk in obedience and not look for excuses, become experts in excuses of why we're not going to do something, but instead, Father, that we'd be experts in your grace and your forgiveness. And, Father, that that would just overwhelm us from you and that we'd be able to extend that to all those around us, God. Thank you for your mercy on me today. And I pray, God, that I would have the same, that that would flow through. I pray this in Jesus' name.



Recorded in Grapevine, Texas.